I’m feeling so trapped lately. Like an animal in a cage. I don’t know how to take this normalacy. (Sp?). It’s driving me crazy. I should be happy and content. I finally rid myself of my ex completely and married an amazing man who would do anything for me….. A man who loves me no matter what and fullfills my need for roughness and primalness. But no matter how hard he tries or how hard I try its not enough…. I still long and ache for the gentleness of a woman’s touch. That longing just won’t go away. I had someone who could fill that awful void in me. Someone who could satisfy my need for both roughness and gentleness all at the same time and yet again that person has just disappeared again. No explanation or reason just gone… What is wrong with me??? Why can’t I ever be satisfied? Why do I want more?? Why do I have this irisitable urge to just escape? Why do I crave that craziness? That aching need that just won’t go away??? Why did you take away my release???? I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t fall back into that awful darkness. I know I’m not in love with my release. I just crave the touch. The way my body feels beneath the weight of the only one who has ever completely satisfied me. I can’t even begin to explain it. And I don’t mean just sexually satisfying, I mean satisfying every need or want I have without me having to speak a word… I know its just sex but then again its not “just sex”. It’s never just sex with me. When I am intimate with someone, man or woman, it is a way for me to get release, to let go of all control, to just be…. I truly believe and know that sex doesn’t have to be about love. I just want my release back. I NEED my release back….
It’s those nights where you find it hard to sleep, you toss and turn in your bed while you let all of your past replay itself in your head. You think about what could have been, what would have been and what should have been, you think of the “what if’s” and the “why not’s”. You feel your heart aching as unwanted memories slowly makes their way across your mind. You’re exhausted but you can’t sleep, because your emotions strikes the hardest at night.
And 27 days
Since the first time I saw you naked
Since the night you ripped off your shirt
Stuck your boobs in my face and said
I touched them like a diabetic third grader opening a Snickers bar
I thought, Yes I am
But you are so soft Andrea Gibson (via loveyourchaos)